Recognizing warning signs and learning how to take action
When you love someone, it can be challenging to realize or accept that the relationship may not be healthy for you. Whether it’s a romantic partner, a friend, or a family member, any person who consistently causes you pain – whether intentionally or not – can be considered toxic.
A lot of people use the term “toxic relationship”, especially as the concept has gained popularity in the media. While it’s a common discussion topic, what does it really mean? We talked with OhioHealth Psychologist Dr. Sonya Turner about the ins and outs of toxic relationships.
What is a toxic relationship
“A relationship is toxic when there is, wittingly or unwittingly, a persistent lack of mutual respect and a disregard for someone’s mental and physical well-being,” says Turner. “These types of relationships are characterized by dominance where one person attempts to control another.”
Signs of a toxic relationship
It’s important to note that not all conflicts are toxic. We are all human and are bound to disagree with each other from time to time. The key factor is how people engage in those arguments. “If they’re arguing in a way that’s not demeaning and something constructive comes out of it, it may not necessarily be toxic,” Turner points out.
When deciding if a relationship is toxic, focus on your feelings around that person and look for patterns. Do you often feel angry or anxious, or do you feel happy and uplifted? “The overriding feeling that you get when you’re with that person allows you to know whether that relationship is toxic or just a normal relationship,” Turner says.
Toxic traits
Not all negative behaviors are toxic, but if they become a pattern, then it may be time to reevaluate the relationship. Here are some toxic traits to watch for and what they may look like in a relationship.
Creating a sense of isolation or alienation
- A toxic person may isolate you from friends and family, maintaining control by cutting off support.
- They may use phrases like “everyone else agrees…” or “no one will believe you” to manipulate you into believing you are alone.
Lack of reciprocity
- It may be toxic if you always accommodate their needs without them caring about yours. You may find yourself constantly giving while the other person takes. Healthy relationships should be mutually beneficial.
Emotional abuse
- Repeatedly comparing you to others, criticizing you, and exploiting your vulnerabilities are all signs of emotional abuse.
- Emotional abuse includes damaging arguments with insults, threats, and name-calling.
Inclined to create fights
- In a toxic relationship, you may find cycles of turmoil, with arguments and fights followed by a honeymoon period. While things feel good temporarily, you are waiting for the toxicity to return.
Lack of self-reflection
- When providing feedback to a toxic person, Turner states that “they will disregard it, or they will gaslight, and won’t take it to heart because they don’t want to look at themselves. They don’t want to change. They want to remain in control.”
- They often blame others for their lack of lasting relationships, claiming, “I can’t maintain a relationship because my partners always messed it up.”
Issues not being resolved
- Despite repeated arguments, it may feel like the problems are never resolved. Even if you give them chances to correct their behavior, things don’t change.
Effects of a toxic relationship
People in toxic relationships are often reluctant to believe that they are. Over time, they may believe these unhealthy behaviors are normal or justifiable. However, a toxic relationship can have adverse effects beyond the relationship.
Turner says, “One of the things that makes the toxic relationship so egregious is that it can affect the way a person feels about themselves, about their potential to be in a healthy relationship outside of this one.” A toxic relationship can make a person feel undeserving, unworthy, unattractive, and depressed. They may communicate ineffectively, expressing themselves in a passive aggressive or sarcastic manner. All of this affects the way they get along with others.
Being in one toxic relationship may lead someone to end up in another. When you’ve been treated poorly for so long, it’s easy to start believing you don’t deserve anything better. That is why it can be helpful to work with a licensed mental health therapist who can help you understand what is driving your pattern of toxic relationships.
What do I do if a relationship is toxic?
If you decide the relationship is toxic, you must care for yourself. Sometimes, you can work it out; other times, it is best to get out.
Turner says, “I think it’s important for that person to know their limits, to know what their thresholds are. What I might say is a limit for me may be different for someone else. But I think it could be beneficial to work on a toxic relationship if you wish to remain in the relationship and you believe that the other person has the capacity and desire to change.”
Working through a toxic relationship
When working through a toxic relationship, the person causing the toxicity needs to be motivated to change for themselves. “We really need to approach change as a process that’s driven by one’s own desires to create some type of modification in their behaviors, thought process, and emotions,” says Turner. This kind of change goes beyond a temporary one to appease someone else.
Turner also notes that the best chance at creating lasting change is by working with a licensed mental health therapist. “A therapist would help the person look more closely at their thoughts, emotions, and behaviors that contribute to the unhealthy relationship and address how they can create new behaviors and let go of the old ones. A therapist could also explore how they came to learn how relationships work by looking at the model for relationships that they saw when they were growing up.”
A toxic relationship involves two people; therefore, both of you may benefit from your own therapy. It would be useful for the partner of the toxic person to work on issues such as self-esteem, boundaries and self-empowerment.
Remember- you can’t change them. They must want to make changes on their own.
Setting boundaries
Boundaries are necessary in every relationship. When setting boundaries, it’s important to understand what you’re expecting from the other person and then to be able to vocalize or assert yourself. Let that other person know what you need, what would be appropriate, what would be inappropriate, and what the consequences are.
What if I’m the toxic one?
We all have ways we can be better for ourselves and the people around us.
Turner says, “It’s really important to be self-reflective and to engage in that personal assessment. A person might want to ask themselves, what are my relationships like, generally speaking? Am I the common denominator? Am I getting repetitive feedback from my friends, my partner, my supervisor – and are people telling me that I have a problem?”
If you feel like you are seeing some toxic behaviors in yourself, it may be a good idea to get some support. And remember, a lot of people with toxic behaviors lack the ability to self-reflect, so if you’re taking the step to look at yourself and ask these questions, you’re probably on the right track.
How to help a loved one who’s in a toxic relationship
Feeling protective over our loved ones is normal, but more importantly, they need our support. We can’t control what people do, but we can support them.
“We can offer guidance, encouragement, and validation, but we can’t control what that person decides to do. Everyone has different limits, thresholds, and emotional experiences. We can only share support. We can’t make them leave the relationship,” says Turner.
Remind your loved one that their toxic partner may try to sever ties to other relationships. Try to maintain your relationship with them. However, if you are starting to feel burned out by your loved one’s toxic relationship, you may need to set some boundaries to protect your mental health. It is okay to tell your loved one how you can best support them.
Leaving a toxic relationship
If, after reading this, you’ve decided that your relationship is toxic and that it’s time to leave, it is best to seek support from others. Friends, family, faith communities, and social support are important.
We also recommend finding a licensed mental health therapist to safely help you through this challenging transition.
Stepping out of a toxic relationship is complicated. But you’ve got this.
If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, call the national domestic violence hotline or contact local authorities.
